Please hang up and try your call again....

Its like someone pulled the plug. I've been hearing about people within the pagan community having a spiritual disconnect, but I just thought it was due to the season. Fall and Winter are times to stay in and contemplate the coming year. I must be on a whole other broomstick because mine seems to have happened during the spring time. When nature is starting to awaken and the flowers are blooming, I am stuck in my room feeling like I don't fit. Looking back I realized I was more active in the fall and winter months as opposed to the current time frame. I think its this bloody global warming shit. We had a scorching hot fall/winter and the spring so far has been full of rain and cold. It must be throwing me off my game. I think I need to spend sometime on nature. It really seemed to do me a world of good. Shit I even noticed that the weeks when I didn't head out to the park for my morning meditation, I would get physically sick and lethargic. I don't know, I guess I'm trying to sort this all out in my head while I tap away at my keyboard tonight.
Maybe this is all because I have no real plan anymore. In the winter my room was a mess and things needed to get done. Now that it's out of the way and the space has been cleansed by me I think the lack of chaos is making me feel sort of lost and unfocused. For crying out loud I even bought a new cabinet that I used to move all my supplies and such into so I could have it all in one place and also use it as a altar space. I figured that would help with connecting better with deity and nature but maybe its not working at the moment. I must be missing something. I need to tap into my brain and ask my higher self. My pendulum works great, but I need more of an overall outlook versus a current situation. I should do a rune casting and see what comes up....
On a brighter note, this June will mark my two year anniversary on my path in Wicca. I realized it a couple weeks back when I also noticed it was my two year anniversary on YouTube. Ah memories of my early days both in my practice and my vlog....
Alright back to the dark recesses of my mind to try and sort my self out...

Coming together.

Coming together.

Ever since I started reading the new series I got a hold of, I've started thinking about finding people of like minds to get together and possibly form a coven. In my early years I felt uncomfortable about the idea of a coven. But after reading this book and getting some perspective on the idea it seems right. Now I'm not talking about putting together a formal coven right off the bat. I mostly want to have a group of people that can come together and sort of put some ideas together. I don't think I'm in any way qualified to be any sort of high priest or anything but I definitely have a wealth of knowledge that I want to share. Also I want to expand my own knowledge.
This idea has been on my mind for quiet some time. I remember early in my practice I didn't even consider finding anyone of like mind to ask for guidance. I wanted to find myself on my own terms without outside influence beyond the god and goddess. Now that it's been a few years, I have this yearning for seeking out like minded individuals. I guess I kind of set the wheel in motion slightly when my friends showed interest in my craft. Looking back on it now I sort of regret it because I don't want to tear them away from their own path, but at the same time it felt really good to be able to share my knowledge with someone close to me. Back to the main point of all this. I want to get a group of witches together and possibly form a study group/coven. Maybe at this point since I've finally put the ideas out there the universe will help show me the correct path and possibly get the ball rolling.

[Hovik]

Just a Daily

Ostara has come and gone and the seeds of a new beginning have been planted. It's been awhile since I last updated my blog. I've had a lot of things going on both physically and spiritually. I feel like I'm really starting to come into my own as the year progresses. Sometimes I feel kind of repetitive here. I don't mean to be its just that when I am typing away I let my mind go and just let loose. It's like a form of meditation. I am focusing on myself looking from the outside in and assessing everything that I currently have on my plate. Over the past couple months, I've been trying to work on my thought projection. At first I was difficult to try and control my thoughts and words, but after awhile I picked it up. It was really starting to get out of hand having pretty much everything I say or think about manifest. I realize now that its a wonderful skill that can really be helpful at times. Plus it's kind of fun to occasionally get little freebies here and there. My goal is to be able to project positive thoughts that can influence the world around me and shape it for the better.
On a completely different note, I recently picked up a new book. Its a series by Cate Tierman called Sweep. It was recommended by a fellow witch who was looking for a novel type book that had a Wiccan/Witch theme to it. I actually had the same thought running around in my head about finding fiction books that had a Wiccan theme to them but not be misrepresented. Which probably explains why I found out about these books while browsing YouTube(thank you thought projection). Alright I'm going to cut this short because I want to do some more reading and I actually need to look up some spells for a friend....

*Blessed Be*

Square in a Circle

I believe that I won't be able to love someone without first loving myself and I'm still working on figuring out who exactly I am. Granted, I don't mean to say I am not a stable human being. I am, but there are parts of me that I need to focus on and I see me as priority number 1. I am truly grateful to have found a spiritual path that helps me complete myself. Also, I don't feel ready to share all of me with another human being. There are things about me that no one and I mean no one knows about. My thoughts would literally blow your mind to pieces. This kind of ties in with my feeling of not truly being a part of the "human" world. (and no, I dont mean like I'm an alien). I mean I have a genuine connection with the world, just not so with the inhabitants. So I am a bit of a freak, but I accept that and I live my life. My thoughts are a bit scattered right now, but I just needed to get this out before it exploded.


If this entry seems a bit strange that's because the first part of it just became confidential "me information" not to be released to the public. Maybe in 2012 when the worlds gonna end...lol

The talk

I'm always talking about telling my parents about my path. At the end of last year I made a mental note to try and tell at least my mom about it. As I let the idea muddle around in my head, I tried to figure out how exactly I would tell her. Different situations played out in my head and none of them felt right. I recently just figured I would just drop hints here and there and if she were to ask, I could explain. Turns out she didn't really need me dropping hints. We were having dinner tonight at a restaurant, just the two of us. It started with me asking if the post delivers on Saturday. She said yes and asked if I was waiting for something again. I told her I was. She asked if it was more incense.(she had caught a whiff of several packages of herbs I had gotten before. I told her I was actually waiting on a stone I had re-ordered because the one I got was broken. With that she said what she's always saying to me. " I worry about you sometimes." "You have a bunch of witch stuff and lots of books on the subject and your always watching shows on the subject. What exactly are you doing?" I was somewhat shocked, but somehow it didn't feel like news to me to hear this. I assured her it nothing bad and she doesn't have to worry. I also made a point to say it's not devil worship. She seemed to be somewhat okay with it, but I feel like I need to explain myself a little more. I need to spend some time to put something together and make it easy for her to understand. So once again my intention was manifested and now I have to see it through. Goddess give me the strength to see this through and be able to lay this to rest.

Taken Away

It happened. I finally was able to do what I had longed to do for so long;going to the park and having some peace and quiet meditation.

This all came to be on the morning of last thursday. I had made tentative plans to come into work because I had the week off at the mansion. I woke up in the morning and got ready for work as my sister got ready for school. The first of many signs was the fact that we left the house rather late. By the time I dropped her off it was about ten to eight. As I hurriedly made my way to the freeway on ramp I noticed it was blocked off my a semi-truck. I quickly turned around headed towards the other on ramp about 1/2 mile down. As I drew closer the minutes creeped closer and closer to eight. As I stopped at the block before the on ramp I realized there was no way I was going to be able to get to work on time. I quickly made a right and headed home with plans in mind. Excitment filled me up as I climbed the stairs. I rushed into my room. I grabbed my portable altar and some food and headed out the door. I jumped into my car once again and this time made the drive up to my favorite park. All of this felt so natural. Like it was planned from the begining. I drove up to the empty lot and gathered my stuff to head to the park. As soon as I stepped out of my car I could hear the scilence and I immediately felt at peace. I went up the path to my favorite spot and settled down. I laid my huge altar cloth and removed my shoes. I undid the ribbon that tied my altar box shut. I laid it out, lit the candles, got the incense smoking and sat back and took it all in. Scilence and bliss were the only words at that moment.
I took a moment to just be and enjoy the birds chirpping, the sun shinning, and the cool feel of the earth under my feet. I didn't want to leave. I felt at home. I had finally answered the call of the spirits of nature and I didnt want to let go. I had awakened with the spirit of the park as the warm rays from the sun filled the area.

I wanted to show graditude to the nature spirits for giving me this opportunity. I had packed my self a sandwich. I unwrapped it and took a piece of the corner to give as an offering. I walked over the a small pine tree standing proud before me and laid the morsel down along with a sprikling of water I had and said a thank you. I enjoyed my sandwich and had breakfast with the birds. After all the sitting I wanted to lay down and treat my eyes to the beautiful clear blue sky. I could feel my spirit float into the sky and soar above the trees. A gentle breeze blew in and picked the leaves off the ground. Oh how I love the sound of leaves dancing across the ground in the breeze. Everything was quiet and the park was teeming with life. It was my perfect place. Away from the hustle and bustle of the city, back to nature.

Expectations

I used to not be the type of person that would set long term goals for myself. I mean I do have goals that I want to accomplish, but they are generally short term things. At the same time, I have a lot of different things going on at one time and it feels difficult to keep them all rolling. For one, my career path has really taken off, but my spirituality is falling behind. There are literally not enough hours in the day or days in the week to help me get shit done. My days are super busy and are pretty much run on a hourly deadline basis. Monday through Wednesday is my 8-5 job, Thursday through Saturday is my internship. The only free day I have is Sunday and whatever time in between after intern and sleep I have Thursday through Saturday. So you have to imagine that this usually leaves very little if any time for spiritual growth. Most of the time, the closest thing I have to my path is lighting a candle and saying a short blessing(if I remember) while I pay my bills online and try to plan out the prep work for the mansion I need to do. Because of the craziness I always make time for celebrating the Sabbats no matter how late in the day/night it is cuz otherwise I might just go nuts from lack of spiritual fruit. I was actually thinking about it last night and I thought to myself how great it would be to be able to take a year for myself and devote it all to my path. Of course reality kicked in and I became conflicted with the fact that I dont want to put my career on hold while the iron is still hot. I'm pretty sure next year I may have more time if the internship lands me a job and I can quit my current one, but as of right now, I have to let it play out and just roll with the punches. I know I'm seem a bit scatter brained right now, but its just because I'm thinking about a million things at once and trying to organize the thoughts into words to convey my message clearly. Alright I'm going to finish this up and try to enjoy what little time I have left today before the craziness starts again Monday morning.